SeanYoesWrites.com

The over-arching purpose of The Dialogue is to facilitate a healthy, ongoing dialogue between Black men and Black women.

My thesis is simple; the foundation of the Black community is the Black man and Black woman, if that relationship thrives we thrive.

If God is in the midst of that relationship nothing is impossible, no army can prosper against them. However, if God is removed chaos is sure to follow. I don’t think anybody can argue our community is in a state of chaos.

Spirit delivered the concept of The Dialogue in the spring of 2003. I was on the phone having a conversation with my dear friend Valerie who I’ve known since I was 19, which means I’ve known her more than 20 years.

During this conversation one of our recurring themes of dialogue came up…relationships. If I remember we we’re discussing hers, afterall she had an on again, off again relationship with the same cat all the time I had known her.

At some point I brought the conversation around to slavery and it’s impact on our community and specifically the relationship between Black men and Black women.

I asked Val what it would be like if we were married–or whatever passed for marriage–prior to the alleged Emancipation Proclamation. What would it be like if we were an enslaved couple?

What would it be like to go home–or whatever passed for home–at the end of a long day in the  fields and as we prepared to go to sleep we discovered the man who owned us had other plans?

I asked Val what it would be like if our master decided to take you away from me and rape you until he was satisfied and then brought you back to me when he was done?

What would the dialogue be like between you and me I asked? Would I blame you for somehow signaling you wanted to be raped? Would you blame me for not protecting you? Would I blame myself? Would you blame yourself?

The answer is our ancestors probably didn’t have that dialogue because, first of all it was too painful and second, they didn’t have time to get into all that, because they were too busy trying to survive. So, they probably just dealt with it the best way that they could, they just kept it moving. Unfortunately, in the process they internalized a whole lot of deadly toxins: fear, rage, jealously, helplessness, hopelessness…

What was the impact on our individual and collective psyches? Most importantly, what was the impact on our spirits?

I told Val I believed it was important we–Black men and Black women–begin a dialogue to explore our issues with each other, perhaps beginning with a historical perspective.

So, in the fall of 2003 I gathered about a dozen people at Val’s house in Silver Spring, Maryland to talk. Most of them were friends, a few of them I met that night. There was one older couple there. I had a still photographer and a videographer capturing images and the dialogue. My friend Michelle, an Ivy League trained college professor and book publisher with expertise in Black studies helped facilitate the  conversation. It was fascinating, and although we pledged to come back together it was the last gathering we had.

But, The Dialogue never turned me loose. It stayed with me. I’ve had many relationships since 2003, some serious, most not so serious. I’ve gotten better in many areas after a whole lot of soul-searching, incessant  prayer and yes, therapy. But, I still find myself making many of the same mistakes over and over again. And I know I am not alone.

What is it between the Black man and Black woman? What stops us from achieving real intimacy? What stops us from truly hearing each other and seeing each other? There are some of us who are prospering beautifully in their relationships and I say God has truly showed them favor. But, their numbers are few and dwindling.

I believe the majority of us are struggling to connect with each other in a meaningful way. Some would argue our issues are as simple as “Men our from Mars, Women are from Venus.” I think Black people make that argument at our own peril. I think its deeper than that.

I argue that we as a community have never truly debriefed about what happened to us during slavery. No event has impacted Black Americans more and we don’t really know what happened to us.

 We saw “Roots” and we think we know, but we don’t know. We saw “Beloved” and we think we know, but we don’t know. There are stories in our families which have never been told. There are stories which go unspoken, there are things we don’t dare utter, because we’re ashamed.

And we’ve passed the shame and we’ve passed the guilt and we’ve passed the fear from generation to generation without resolution.

More to the point, my family has struggled with generational abandonment. Other families have struggled with generations of alcohol and drug abuse. There are families who have been torn asunder by domestic violence. Still other families have grappled with sexual abuse for generations. Generational curses are real and they continue to haunt us. But, why is it so hard to break them?

Many people scoff at these ideas. They argue, “Why dredge up all this old stuff?” They argue, “Slavery is over, segregation is over why must we re-littigate the past? Why can’t we just move forward?”

 My point exactly, why can’t WE move forward as a community?

Until we repair the relationship between the Black man and Black woman our community can never be healed. And we can’t have a viable, working, loving relationship if we can’t talk to each other.

But, be clear the continued impact of slavery on our relationships is only one aspect of The Dialogue. The reality is that we have so much to talk about.

Peace and God bless,

Sean